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Happy Memories xx

May 8, 2013

People have advised me that writing is a good outlet for grief.  Since I began this blog as a form of therapy to help me through Harry’s recovery, I suppose it is appropriate to add to it as a way to help me say goodbye to him.

If becoming a parent is like joining a club, becoming a parent to a child with Down’s Syndrome is like joining a truly exclusive club.  It breaks our hearts that Ian and I are no longer a part of this world.  Because Harry died so suddenly, we were unable to donate his organs to help any other children or families in need, so perhaps sharing some of our experiences and lessons learned is the only way we feel anything can be gained from our horrible loss.  My heart is still too heavy with anger and grief to write regularly, but I do want to share my personal, happy memories of Harry, and I hope that maybe some parents who read this will take some strength and feel less afraid for the future, enjoying the present day with their precious children instead.

I can only do this by addressing this final post to Harry.  So, my beautiful boy, this one is for you.

 

To my darling boy.

Nearly 12 weeks have passed since you left us, and my mind is still consumed with memories of you every second.  People keep asking me if I’m ok… I can be brave with your Daddy’s support, for the sake of your little sister, but the truth is sweetheart, I’ll never be ok. Every part of my body is aching to have you back.  My amazing, precious son.

Do you remember the fun times we had before September?  I think of them all the time.  I remember feeding you in your high chair but not being able to get the spoon in your mouth because you were more interested in eating your feet.  I remember when you first discovered your feet and you would lie on your back lifting them high into the air.  I was so proud you could do that so young.  No extra chromosome was stopping you my gorgeous, strong boy.

I remember how much you used to love to shout.  You also loved to chew on your hands and would often try to do both at the same time.  I miss the noises you used to make.

The day you first fully rolled over was one of the proudest moments of my life.  You were hilarious the way you would only ever roll in one direction.  I would move you to one end of the playmat and you would roll all the way across it till you rolled into the sofa.  I kept having to buy bigger mats.

You never quite mastered the sitting fully unsupported, you were too active to sit still.  I’d hold your hands to pull you into sitting and you pushed your legs up to stand instead.  Your big blue eyes beaming with excitement at this achievement, your beautiful smile just melting my heart.

You’d just started reaching your arms out to me to pick you up.  That was such an amazing feeling.  Then when I held you, you would grab my face in your hands and pull me towards you.  I was your mummy and you wanted my full attention.  My god you had it sweetheart.  Every single bit of me.

You never really cried… not even first thing in the morning when you would wake up hungry.  You didn’t cry, you just called me in your own special way.  I would roll out of bed rubbing my eyes exhausted, and there you would be, lying in your cot kicking your legs and waving your arms with your beaming smile stretching from ear to ear.  What a way to wake up every day, I never had a moment of sadness with that smile in my life.

And your laugh!  I remember so clearly your first little giggle, and how quickly it developed into such beautiful laughter.  You were just delighted to be here, despite all the hurdles you had to face.

From the second you were born I started to wonder about your future.  I wondered how having Down’s Syndrome would affect you.  I wondered how it would affect your dad and I too.  I worried about the most ridiculous things, like how your speech would be affected, would you be able to go to mainstream school? I wondered when you would crawl, and when you would walk.  Throughout your short life, I feel like I concentrated far too much on the stuff you didn’t do, rather than what you did.

I wish I had been able to tell you how proud you made me.

A huge piece of me died with you that Saturday darling, but I will carry you in my heart forever. It will never beat without you. Our family
will continue on, our grief for you will never subside, but happiness is something we need to survive, and your beautiful sister will help us with that.  Her, and our wonderful memories of you, my boy.  My beautiful, strong, happy boy…
I hope you are smiling now that you are finally free.

All my love for eternity Sweetpea.

Mummy xxxxx

 

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From → Personal

4 Comments
  1. Kathy Spowart permalink

    So so sorry to hear that your beautiful boy has died. You (and we via your blog) will never be without his inspiring presence.

  2. My love for Harry and memories of our short time with him will stay with me forever. This is a beautiful message to him and I’m sure an invaluable help to other people reading it. As you continue to reach people through Harry’s memory, he is still with us, still showing us how strong we can be and how precious and wonderful life is. Love forever and always xx

  3. julie telford permalink

    Olivia my heart is truly breaking for you, your family and your gorgeous Harry. I read Rosies dads post on Bionic boy a while back and truly prayed it wasn’t about Harry. You see I followed you on FoD and loved seeing Harry’s smiles for you again. This is inspirational and I’m still in awe of you. The one thing I will take from this post is the focusing on what my Charlotte isn’t doing by now. I will celebrate everything she is doing to honour Harry. Take care x

  4. Ilisa Ailts permalink

    I’m so sorry and so sad. You will always be a part of the Ds community! You are a leader and a fighter and will continue to have Harry pushing you on in life. He sounds like he was amazing. Thank you for sharing.

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